MONROVIA, CA — Investigative journalists at the New York Times broke a story reporting the heinous slave trading history of Trader Joe’s — a famed American grocery chain. “I can’t support a brand with such a tainted past,” Eucalyptus Sterling, 21, said while packing her Trader Joe’s groceries into the trunk of her Subaru. Trader Joe’s management has been fighting fires since the explosive story broke, testing newly appointed CEO Bryan Palbaum’s acumen. “It’s a tragic history we need to publicly come to terms with. We look forward to engaging with the communities we operate within to find a meaningful path forward,” Palbaum wrote to the press. Within the grocery empire, an anonymous source says that there is even more trouble brewing. “People are realizing why our bottom line is so good,” our source began, “we’ve had centuries of transporting slaves to A/B test to find the most cost efficient ways to run the business: now we just ship chocolate dipped organic strawberries…instead of…you know.” At the time of publishing, President Biden had called in the National Guard to rein in protests erupting in stores across the country. More to follow.