Master Post-Game Interviews: Talk Like a Pro Athlete

Pick your poison: hockey, baseball, football, soccer, curling, basketball, whatever. After a game you see your favourite players get interviewed and share their thoughts. Chances are you aren’t a pro athlete. I certainly am though: that’s why I write articles like this for free.

As an average Joe or Joe-ette, I ask you one question. What if you find yourself in front of a TV crew after an intramural dodgeball tournament? What are you going to do? Panic? Cry? Urinate? You should be prepared for a post-game interview. It’s essential. That being said, you’ve come to the right place. We’ve advised zero professional athletes so you know our reputation recedes us.

Let’s begin.

1. Even if your opposition is an embarrassment to humanity give them credit. “It’s a battle out there and the other team has heart and they make you work for every inch on that field.”

2. Compliment your teammates using incomprehensible nicknames. “Jimbotrony’s a stud. He’s in before everyone else and leaves practice last. Amazing mentor to the new guys like Trombsy & Trempy. Dog mentality.”

3. Always show there’s room for improvement to score brownie points with the coach. “We gotta execute better. Lots of things to improve before we get out there again.”

4. Don’t slap the reporter who inevitably asks if your next game is a “must-win situation.”

5. Wrap a towel behind your neck. Blow your nose at least three times with it while dripping sweat into your eyeballs.

6. Talk about toughness. “I’m really proud of the guys for getting through adversity. This is a hard league to win in. Injuries take a toll. You have to dig deep and that’s exactly what we did tonight.”

7. Mention standings & points to make sure people know you want to win. “It’s a big 2 points for us. Playoff race is tight and every win counts.”

Including some of these points will help you talk like a professional athlete. Making bold political statements, dressing flamboyantly, and partaking in egregious displays of wealth can also convey your athlete status. We advise starting with the listed points above before making more expensive choices.