Why Spotify Users Are Terrible People

Average Spotify user

APPLE MUSIC HQ — Cupertino

We at Factorial Zero are blind supporters of the Apple ecosystem. With this comes a subservient compulsion to use Apple Music. We believe that Spotify is not only an inferior platform, but the people who willingly use it are terrible human beings. Here are 3 reasons why:

1. 👑 Status. Apple Music has no free tier, making it the clear option for those of higher socio-economic status. While Spotify attracts hooligans from across the country, Apple has pointed their sharpened machetes at those looking for a free trial. Apple users frequent upper class establishments like E by Equinox or Erewhon; whereas, Spotify users can be found at a basic Equinox or Whole Foods.

2. ⛏️ Work ethic. Apple Music users work hard. They’re not afraid to pull themselves up by the bootstraps. Apple users are willing to slog through poorly-curated playlists to find new music they love. Spotify users are spoon fed by algorithms that regularly deliver music that fits their tastes. Lazy.

3. 🧘 Simplicity. Apple Music won’t push a thoughtfully designed end-of-year summary on you; Spotify is known for their year end Wrapped feature. Apple users don’t need to be coddled with fun statistics that can help them connect with their friends; instead, they prefer a dry summary that’s nearly impossible to find.