Why I hate mumble rap

The death of rap

Mumble

You know the sound that your nails make when you drag them down a green chalkboard? That sounds like Mozart compared to mumble rap, which is the Fast & Furious of music. No plot. Mindless antics. Harsh? No, I don’t think that goes far enough.

If you don’t know what mumble rap is, close this article now. Save yourself! Run for the boats. Run for the cars. Get out while you can! My pre-mumble rap life (until 2016) was absolute bliss.

When I listened to my first mumble rap track, I thought someone was playing a joke on me. Surely nobody would attach their name to something like that and put it out in the world. I was very wrong…so very wrong. Between the spats of uzis and braah braahs, the trajectory of lyrical rap was taken behind the barn and shot dead.¹

The artistic boldness of MF Doom, angry lyrical provocations of Eminem, and Pulitzer prize (yes, that one) winning ballads of Kendrick Lamar couldn’t hold back the Mumble Flow—or really the lack thereof. For what could hold back the gospel of the Lil Pump types? Here’s holy scripture from King SoundCloud himself:

Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang (Gucci gang)
Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang (Gucci gang)
Spend ten racks on a new chain (Yuh)
My b#tch love do cocaine, ooh (Ooh)

I’m not in this Gucci gang. No thank you with a cherry on top. You can read the rest of the lyrics, but it’s like trying to breathe underwater. Why does this song have 1.1B YouTube views? At least Gangnam Style had pizzaz: op, op, op, op, oppa Gangnam Style! I watched Gucci Gang when it came out because everyone was talking about it. It’s an outrageous music video with no direction, so I understand the shock-factor media attention it got. It’s easy to forget how big this song was at the time. Forget about school hallways, this made it to the biggest stages. SNL did a parody dedicated to, who else, Stanley Tucci.

People will say I’m picking on mumble rap by using a single song by a single artist. Yeah? Let’s cover some more ground, shall we. Let’s not forget the walking human confetti 6ix9ine, another wire brush to my hemorrhoids.² No need to focus on a single song: we have his entire discography.

'Kay, my block bang (Gang), .30 bang (Gang)
Scum Gang, big choppa, big thang, let your nuts hang
Who they? (Gang), don't say (Gang, gang)
BBA change your mood, ayy, any day
Gotti Gotti, cookin' up, speed it up
Double cup, Xanny cup, booted up
Mollied up, molly up, break it up
Cop it, then I serve it up, give it up
Gotti Gotti

Yes, this is real. It’s 555M views on Youtube real. I won’t link you to the song in case you haven’t heard it. I’ll spare you the unadulterated debauchery. I’m not cherrypicking the lyrics either. Once again, take a look yourself.

That’s just two artists. The list goes on and on: Lil Yachty, Desiigner, Lil Xan, Migos, Playboi Carti, Smokepurpp, Gunna, Chief Keef.

Good & bad

I hate this music. I don’t use that word lightly. I only use it in the context of a few things:

1. Durian fruit (just why?)

2. Vegemite (explains the accent)

3. Job applications where you have to re-enter your entire job history manually (#technology)

Mumble rap is the same tier as durian. Let that sink in.

I can’t rap and I can’t sing to save my life, but, despite those shortcomings, my god, as a fan of lyrical rap this evolution of mumble rap is a hurdle backwards. What have we stooped to? Play me a catchy beat and I’ll listen to whatever? It doesn’t have to be that way. We’re better than that.

People shy away from this fact, but there is good music and bad music. Good music makes you feel a certain way, either through lyrics or melody, and, bad music, well, doesn’t do much. Good music takes effort in consumption and creation. You either listen to it carefully to appreciate lyrical mastery, or the music itself moves you in such a way that you feel life. Bad music is like Tik Tok: a dopamine cranium injection so you don’t have to think about anything. It’s like a mashed potato pudding stuffed down your throat.

Bad rap caters down to your senses and tells you unapologetically that I paid someone to make this beat and I can’t make any half-decent lyrics, but here, you don’t deserve anything better. As your writing therapist, I implore you that you’re worth more. You deserve the lyrical delivery of someone who gives a damn. You deserve the satisfaction of hearing a story play out in a way that you don’t expect.

Don’t inch away now if you’re a mumble fan: you’ve made it this far! I’m here to guide you to a Promised Land. There’s absolution for your Spotify playlist of sin. You are Will in his New England shack; I’m walking up to your door and praying you’re not inside listening to mumble rap, wasting away your potential, because until you tell me you’re still blasting mumble rap, the best part of my day is thinking you’ve moved on to better things. I understand that people want to listen to something that sounds good. It’s music after all. It’s just that I’m not convinced by people who listen to rap solely for the vibes. Rap has become a vehicle for communication, especially since the ‘80s. Mumble rap veers away from that standard and it hurts.

I’m not just here to criticize artists of the booming mumble genre. I’m here to provide solutions if you’ve made the unfortunate decision to listen to mumble rap. I can give you some recommendations. A “what would make me happy” list if you will. Having quality air waves come out of your headphones might help you see the light. Let’s begin.

If you listened to Eminem’s The Marshall Mathers LP I’d be happy. It’s Eminem’s most critically acclaimed record and it makes you do one thing, and one thing only: think. My favourite song on there is Stan. Today, when people say they “stan” for something it’s because of this song. It introduced a new word to the modern vocabulary: in an age of lols, wtfs, and ikykys an entire word is a big deal. The song is letters written between Eminem and an adoring fan, Stan. It’s a twisted story over six and a half minutes, and it’s the first song that left me speechless. I didn’t know music could tell a story like this. The bleached blond rebels, sneaking vodka from mom & dad’s liquor closet might not have noticed the lyrics, but that’s where the adventure really was. Eminem set the standard.

The history of Eminem’s obscene Slim Shady persona is often a turnoff for some people and they’d frown upon me using him as a crowning example, so let’s take a speedy history detour. Eminem’s best friend, Proof, also a rapper, had the idea that everyone in his rap group, D12, should have alter egos. That was the origin of the Slim Shady mask. Eminem really leaned into the evil alter ego image, because people didn’t give him the time of day because he was white. Slim Shady was a platform for the most gnarly and unhinged lyrics he could write to get people’s attention. After releasing The Slim Shady LP in 1999—shocking audiences globally—Eminem followed with The Marshall Mathers LP a year later to cement his status as a lyrical genius. Capiche?

Next, if you listened to Kendrick Lamar I’d be happy. DAMN. won a Pulitzer. good kid, m.A.A.d city was a statement. And yes, those are Apple Music links…I can’t stand Spotify evangelists: pick the right streaming platform and get a life. Away from Eminem’s harsher lyrics, Kendrick’s softer and more fluid flow is more inviting, with as impressive of an ability to deliver a message.

Outside of the 2Pacs, Biggies, Eminems, Kendricks, and MF Dooms of the world, the list of gifted storytelling wordsmiths is long (just to name a few): J. Cole, Black Thought, Joyner Lucas, Hopsin, Dr. Dre, NF, Tech N9ne, Royce Da 5’9.

Waving angrily at clouds

The art of storytelling is dying. Why do people even listen to mumble rap? When you have great options, why would you pick anything else. Do people really like the beat that much? Is it as simple as wanting to be popular: an objective-oriented decision to fit in? It’s as if listening to a certain kind of music gives you certain qualities or the perception of being in the right group.

Imagine telling a group of people at a non-nerd party that you like classical music. Ew. I can see the people cringing already, their hands quivering and their G&Ts ever-so-daintily dripping over the rim and plopping down on their Gucci slides. Oh, the humanity! What a nerd.

Lyrical rap tells me about a day, hour, minute of someone’s life. It’s poetry with a dash of reality; I can feel someone’s anger, passion, and heartbreak. I can live a moment through proxy. We can learn a lesson or two from that. I can’t learn anything from mumble rap. Not because of my own intellectual disengagement, but because there’s nothing there: it’s like trying to find a cuddly cactus.

“I heard your mumblin' but it's jumbled in mumbo-jumbo” — Eminem

I feel like a person in their eighties—arthritis in full bloom—wagging their cane at young people telling them how great things were back in my day. I’m sitting here, haemorrhoids ablaze, watching the Rap Decline, the memory of the Greats ready to be glossed over by some wannabe tie-dye shirt (see 6ix9ine). It’s possible that I’m really behind the curve, and I don’t understand this “new thing” and how it resonates with people. Maybe in fifty years people will be playing Lil Pump during their bar & bat mitzvahs. It’s possible that I’m entirely missing the plot, but, from where I stand now, bad music is bad music. It’s possible everyone else who agrees with me is also in this oldie collective delusion. I rather be with the delusional rap oldies than the new generation artless cliques.

1. In the early days, rap typically took a light-hearted lyrical tone. N.W.A, 2Pac, and The Notorious B.I.G lead the emergence of “gangster” rap that talked more seriously about social issues. When I’m talking about lyrical rap, I’m talking about the rap that has a story or a deeper meaning. I’m also going to include master wordsmiths in this category: rappers who arrange words into masterful verses. Yes, there is subjectivity as to what constitutes deeper meaning, and who qualifies as a wordsmith, but if you put on your thinking caps, looking at the music and artists I refer to with admiration later on, you’ll get a decent idea of what kinds of artists I consider to be in these categories. You can find some more background on the history of lyrical rap, here.

2. Ben Cafferty on the reality TV show Veep.